Thoughts

I have been thinking a LOT in the last few days.  A lot of it has had to do with the state of our country, and the situation we are currently in.

Other thoughts I've had are about Chris and Lynda's divorce.  I can not believe that after 4 years, it's STILL dragging on, and I can not believe that the courts are allowing the extensions.  Sure, I understand the first 3-some years... Chris was on his own, so he obviously had cheap lawyers, and at the end of the day, you get what you pay for.  And whether he actually paid them is another question.  Anyway, the same stands for Lynda.  But late last year, I took over, and put a crack team together, and I was convinced he would be divorced by the end of the year.  Then, I was convinced it would be by the end of January this year at the latest.  Here we are, at the end of May, and it's still ongoing.

How is this possible?  Surely this is totally unconstitutional?  What if Chris wants to remarry?  All the paperwork is done.  Lynda was given ample time to respond to any and all allegations in the papers.  The Family Advocate report is done, the Social Workers have all interviewed everyone and submitted reports... okay, during the first 3 years, the courts lost the papers a few times, and they kept delaying the court date, but when I took over, Lynda was given 3 chances to respond to the papers, and then it was supposed to be overs.  She came AFTER that and responded, and said she wants custody of the kids.  This is beyond ridiculous - the judge actually allowed the delay, again.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more it doesn't make sense.  I think I need to call the advocate in charge and ask him, instead of getting the information from Chris.  Anyway, I've been composing a letter to Lynda in my mind, and debating putting it on FB.  Before I do that, I'm going to type it here.

To Whom It May Concern

One of the hardest things in the world to hear when a relationship ends is that (S)HE DOESN'T WANT YOU.  When a relationship ends, you still have hope - if I change to x, or do y, maybe we will get back together again.  Maybe it's a phase of temporary insanity, and it will pass, and we'll get back together, and my life will be whole again. Maybe I just need to wait it out.

(S)He doesn't want you.  It's over.  This is not temporary insanity, this is not a "break", this is not a bad dream.  Your life started anew when you broke up, and you can not live it in limbo, waiting for him / her to "see" you again.  As much as you sit at home crying, and remembering all the good things about the relationship, trust me, (s)he is NOT doing that.  (S)He has carried on with his / her life, has potentially met somebody else, and wants to be finished with you.

It's more complicated when there are children involved, sure.  You were always a good parent when you were there.  Don't stop being a good parent now.  Don't let your bitterness and hatred of the "Other" person, or of your ex, change your relationship with your children.  Keep your crap to yourself.  Children do NOT need to hear crap about their other parent from you. It is NOT fair to them.  It is your job to protect them, to love them, and to keep them safe and happy.  Putting them in the middle of your battle does none of these things.  Kids start off as little video cameras on legs, absorbing EVERYTHING, and emulating EVERYTHING.  But trust me, they grow up fast.  And before you know it, they will have made up their OWN minds about the situation, and chances are that they will start to resent you if you do this.  They will start to not want to visit you, or take your calls, because they don't want to hear the poison you are spewing into their little ears.  Do not create a situation where OTHER people, people who possibly never even liked you, have to try and explain your bad behaviour to YOUR children, and tell them that they should love you and forgive you because you are their parent, and are sick, not a bad person.

And finally, PLEASE, get the help you need.  You ARE sick.  A lot of people have spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way to help you, but our hands are tied. It is up to your immediate family, and it seems they are not interested.  I guess we can understand how you ended up the way you did, and I know this plea will fall on deaf ears, because you live your life in denial.  Everything is everyone else's fault, and you are blameless.  But there is a serious problem in your brain.  If NOTHING else, you are seriously clinically depressed, and you need help.  This will NOT end well if you don't.

A Friend

Other than this, I've had a lot of other thoughts running through my head.  One of them is about Belinda, who was "fired" from Shoprite.  She is so convinced that I got her fired.  Sure, I had a hand in it, but she's crediting me with way more power than I actually had at the time.  Up until today, I have been feeling quite bad about it.  She told all the people from Datonomy that I got her fired, and not one of them will talk to me.  They've made it quite unpleasant for me.  She and I actually had a stand-up fight in the office, because I tried to wish her well and she went off at me, and turned it personal.  Anyway.  The thoughts I've been having is bugger this.  I might or might not have gotten her fired, but actually, some people don't realise who they're dealing with.  For the first time (I think ever), I'm realising the power I do actually wield.  I am able to make or break someone's career right now, because there are a LOT of very high-powered people who value my opinion.  I am in the top 10 BI developers in South Africa, and it's come to light quite recently that there are companies and organisations overseas (like England), who know who I am as well.  I'm not going to go around second-guessing myself all the time any more.  I'm also not going to go around feeling guilty because I didn't ACTUALLY work that extra 30 minutes.  THEY want ME in their company.  I don't need them.  This doesn't mean, in any shape or form, that I am able to slack off at all, but my hard work has finally paid off.  I'm finally somebody to reckon with.  And I haven't even realised it until now LOL.  How ironic.  It's a good feeling though.

I've realised that I'm quite depressed at the moment, and I know it's because winter is coming.  Today's the first day that it's actually very cold, and you can feel the snow in the air.  When I leave for work, it's dark, and when I go home, it's getting dark, and for some reason, the lack of light is affecting me more than it has in years.  I am going to have to make an effort to get outside this weekend, even though right now I don't feel like doing anything.  I have so much to do to keep myself busy, and my life is good, but I'm just meh.  I think maybe the extra stress of having Jay nearly die used up any excess serotonin I may have had (and I never have excess).  My doctor has put me on the maximum possible dosage of my anti-depressants, so I have to try and get this under control.  If it runs away with me, it will mean another stint in the clinic, to get onto a different regime of medication, as this one is not strong enough.  Not that going into the clinic doesn't sound DIVINE right now, but I can't afford to.

Anyway, that's a lot of random thoughts going through my head for one point in time.  I need to finish my work, as well, so I'm just going to try and focus on that and see how far I can get today.

Laters.

Meh

Today, like the past few days, I'm feeling meh.  I don't know why.  This weekend, I've actually been feeling quite depressed.  If I think about it, it doesn't make sense - I have just been to the library and got a bag full of books by my favourite authors, I have PC games, I have a ton of things to do in the house, I have jewellery to make, I have TV to watch... it's not because I'm bored.  I am also taking my tablets every single day.  But for some reason, the moment Squirrel woke up on the weekend, or the moment my dad came near me, I got a spike of irritation.

It might have something to do with all the crap we've just gone through with my brother, but he's okay now, and at home recovering.  I have so many good things in my life - my husband is my best friend and I love him more every day.  My family is so precious to me. Damian is coming home this Wednesday.  I have a good job, which pays really well.  I actually have more than I need...

I'm also just sick and tired of this country.  I'm SO sick and tired of load-shedding every day, even though it actually has a minimal impact on us since we've bought a generator.  It started when Squirrel was joking about joining politics, and didn't want to stop even though I told him it was getting to me.  Eventually, I ended up actually THINKING about all the shit we have to live with, and I think that's what has gotten me so down.   This country is so screwed.  I can only hope and wish for a civil war - who the hell in their right mind actually wishes for something like that?  I SO want to put my group together, to do something about this, but it's way too risky.  We have no public transport (unless, of course, you want to get mugged, raped, stabbed, and / or killed), we have no post office, because the fuckers who worked for the post office striked until the entire organisation imploded, we have no electricity, and they reckon this load-shedding will continue for at least the next two years, we have not enough water in our house because of the frigging water regulator that we didn't ask for, and don't deserve, but CAN'T GET REMOVED BECAUSE THERE'S **ONE** FUCKER in the ENTIRE Western Cape who apparently works on these things, we have the lowest education, and the highest road kill rates.  And that's just scratching the surface.

Yes, I think I'd rather live in denial than actually think about these things, because if I think about it, I realise what a dead-end black hole we live in, and it gets me down.